Saturday, January 22, 2011
i think i haven't blogged in months, don't know whoever is still reading this blog till today, but yeah.. i've got so much to say.
from crossing over to 2011.
i realised, i not only lost a close friend, i lost three.
don't know who is the one that changed and don't know who is the one that didn't try to maintain the friendship.
don't wanna argue about whose fault is whose...
both parties as always i guess.
learnt a lot, from a trust to a mistrust.. from a mistrust to a trust.
trust that friendship stays, trust that friends know me well
proved. its wrong..
no they don't. they don't stay there and wait for you, they moved on with their life without you. yolanda's nothing anymore. this name means nothing to them anymore. memories, so what? memories that are not worth it?
and i'm still so silly, thinking of them all the time, thinking of how to make things better, but don't have the courage to go ahead with my plans.
don't trust that love stays, don't trust that it will go on with so many shortcomings.
proved. its half wrong..
love is still there, and stronger than before.
memories are still worth it, the name yolanda still means something special.
the other half, cos i don't know what future holds.
so thankful for accepting such an imperfect person that don't worth any attention.
i asked myself, do i even deserve all these friends that i still have, all these people that still care about me, treats me nice..
i don't dare to answer it, because i know, i talk shit about them before, not all but i'm sure i did. even the tiniest meanest thing, i did it.
somethings, when i think back, i feel so ashamed.
like my cousin - i didn't do anything for him, he gave me phone and drama streaming things.
like buta - i gave her some silly presents and she gave me good fake lashes and glue.
like dork - i gave her chewing gum and she gave me nice birthday card with chopsticks.
like bryan - i just bought him a pack of cigs, not his flavour and he treats me food and movie.
like pet - i told her to come out to listen to me to talk shit, and she did.
bla bla bla, i think i owe a lot of people favours, everything..
there's a stupid mosquito haunting me around , can't concentrate on writing this post.
i hate myself, alot.
such a fail azz person, don't even know what i survive for.
i said i really wanna find a job that keeps myself busy, i did, i found one.
really busy with the job that i don't have time for anyone.
again- another decision, sacrifice friends for money??
no, but i really really need money.
money is hard to earn, thats so true.
watching someone who raised me up suffering, yet i can't do anything.
didn't even call and visit all the aunties, so rude so bad of me. but i really don't have the time to do anything.
i hate facebook cos i hate seeing friends updating themselves about their new lifes, i feel happy for them, and feel like.. i'm no longer part of their lives anymore.
made a new year resolution, but don't think its gonna work.
oh wells i'm just gonna try do all my best to treat everyone as well as possible in between my means and able to.
thank you so much everyone that came into my life and gave me something, taught me someyhing.
from crossing over to 2011.
i realised, i not only lost a close friend, i lost three.
don't know who is the one that changed and don't know who is the one that didn't try to maintain the friendship.
don't wanna argue about whose fault is whose...
both parties as always i guess.
learnt a lot, from a trust to a mistrust.. from a mistrust to a trust.
trust that friendship stays, trust that friends know me well
proved. its wrong..
no they don't. they don't stay there and wait for you, they moved on with their life without you. yolanda's nothing anymore. this name means nothing to them anymore. memories, so what? memories that are not worth it?
and i'm still so silly, thinking of them all the time, thinking of how to make things better, but don't have the courage to go ahead with my plans.
don't trust that love stays, don't trust that it will go on with so many shortcomings.
proved. its half wrong..
love is still there, and stronger than before.
memories are still worth it, the name yolanda still means something special.
the other half, cos i don't know what future holds.
so thankful for accepting such an imperfect person that don't worth any attention.
i asked myself, do i even deserve all these friends that i still have, all these people that still care about me, treats me nice..
i don't dare to answer it, because i know, i talk shit about them before, not all but i'm sure i did. even the tiniest meanest thing, i did it.
somethings, when i think back, i feel so ashamed.
like my cousin - i didn't do anything for him, he gave me phone and drama streaming things.
like buta - i gave her some silly presents and she gave me good fake lashes and glue.
like dork - i gave her chewing gum and she gave me nice birthday card with chopsticks.
like bryan - i just bought him a pack of cigs, not his flavour and he treats me food and movie.
like pet - i told her to come out to listen to me to talk shit, and she did.
bla bla bla, i think i owe a lot of people favours, everything..
there's a stupid mosquito haunting me around , can't concentrate on writing this post.
i hate myself, alot.
such a fail azz person, don't even know what i survive for.
i said i really wanna find a job that keeps myself busy, i did, i found one.
really busy with the job that i don't have time for anyone.
again- another decision, sacrifice friends for money??
no, but i really really need money.
money is hard to earn, thats so true.
watching someone who raised me up suffering, yet i can't do anything.
didn't even call and visit all the aunties, so rude so bad of me. but i really don't have the time to do anything.
i hate facebook cos i hate seeing friends updating themselves about their new lifes, i feel happy for them, and feel like.. i'm no longer part of their lives anymore.
made a new year resolution, but don't think its gonna work.
oh wells i'm just gonna try do all my best to treat everyone as well as possible in between my means and able to.
thank you so much everyone that came into my life and gave me something, taught me someyhing.
what we could have been, 11:53 PM.
